Who Wants To Be A Skeptic On "The X-Files"?
by Sicily Capt. Janeway
Summary: X-Files meets Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Yes, you should be VERY afraid . . .


WHO WANTS TO BE A SKEPTIC ON X-FILES?   
By Sicily and Captain Janeway (oh, no!! not again!!)   
  
Rated: G, maybe PG if you're picky   
  
Category: Humor (we think)   
  
Spoilers: Here goes in no particular order: First off, there are some unspesific ones, so watching X-Files in the first place is kinda important. It is _not_ that important to watch or be all that familiar with Who Wants to be a Millionaire? but you should be aware of the general idea of that too, and know who Regis is and all that. There are also rather spesific spoilers for "Dreamland 1 & 2", "Small Potatoes", toxic blood mentioned ("Colony" & various others), "Squeeze", "Tooms", government conspiracies mentioned (take your pick), "Elegy", "Bad Blood", "Deep Throat", Jose Chung's _From Outer Space_, War of the Coprophages, The Erlenmeyer Flask, FTF, , One Son , Scully's neck implant mentioned (any of various mythology shows), , Brand X and Practically all of them are blink and you'll miss them; special prize to anyone who can actually find half of them.  
  
Disclaimer: Mega big one here. X-Files - not ours, belongs to CC, 1013, Fox. Who Wants To Be a Millionaire -- not ours, belongs to ABC, Regis Philbin. Regis Philbin -- not ours, belongs to himself. CC - not ours, belongs to himself. Star Trek and all things related -- not ours, belongs to Paramount, GR, RB. Burger King, Disney, K-Mart, and Kool-Aid all belong to their respective companies and we honestly are not trying to dis them too much and we apologize. Anything that you don't recognize from somewhere else is ours.   
  
Sicily's Notes: When we heard that a new skeptic, John Doggett, was coming on X-Files, one of us made some crack about how the show can't survive without a resident skeptic to make things difficult. First Scully, then Skinner, and now Doggett filled this post. It kinda led to this. Apologies in advance; don't hold it against us and do send feedback!!!!!!!!!!   
  
Captain Janeway's Notes: "Mega-Dittos" with what Sicily said above, except that she left out one TEENSY detail . . . I was the first to crack the joke about "Who Wants to be a Skeptic?"!!! (SICILY'S NOTE: You were not!) (I'm just joking with Sicily!) :) Anyways, we had a lot of fun writing this crazy thing (or, I did, anyways), and it is our sincere hope that you (the reader) enjoy reading it even more. ;)   
  
SPECIAL NOTE: Like our other story(s) -- soon there will be more, so run for the hills before it's too late -- this is intended for _humor purposes only_. Didja'll get that? _Humor purposes only._ So if you find any of our characters, questions, contestants, situations, etc. offensive, we're very sorry, we are honestly not trying to be mean, rude, or in any way derrogatory; we are simply trying to have fun.   
  
another script format. so sue us, we like scripts, we act (or try to, anyway).   
  
WHO WANTS TO BE A SKEPTIC ON"THE X-FILES"?   
  
  
REGIS: Welcome to "Who Wants to be a Skeptic on the X-Files?" the show where we narrow it down to one person to make crazy FBI Agents' lives miserable! I'm your host, Regis Philbin, and here are the contestents for tonight's show:   
  
Lisa Darling, from Arlington, Virginia   
  
_(LISA waves and smiles)_   
  
I. M. Greedy from Las Vegas, Nevada   
  
_(GREEDY waves, grinning mischievously)_   
  
Anita Life from Denver, Colorado   
  
  
_(ANITA smiles and flashes the "Live Long and Prosper" sign at the camera)_   
  
John Doe from Nowhere, North Dakota   
  
_(JOHN's expression cannot be discerned, as his face is "blurred-out" for his protection)_   
  
Melanie Latrell from Pensacola, Florida _(MELANIE smiles nervously as she gives a slight wave, then shrinks back into her chair a bit) _   
  
and Catherine Cyer from Annapolis, Maryland   
  
(_CATHERINE excitedly jumps up and down like a raving maniac as she waves)_   
  
Now, on the consoles in front of you, a question will be displayed which will require you all to put the answers in a certain order. Audience, we need complete silence, please.   
  
And the question: Put these characters from "The X-Files" in the order in which they died, starting with the most recent:   
a) Deep Throat  
b) The Well-Manicured Man  
c) Mr. X  
d) Agent Spender   
  
_(a pause as the contestents punch-in their answers, some showing signs of ignorance, others very hastily. This of course does not apply to JOHN DOE, as his expression is still indiscernable.)_   
  
Time's up! The answer was:   
d) Agent Spender  
b) The Well-Manicured Man  
c) Mr. X  
a) Deep Throat   
  
And the person who got the correct answer first was . . . Anita Life from Denver, Colorado!   
  
_(ANITA immediately jumps to her feet and cheers as she runs up to stage with some weird crossover between "Millionaire" music and "The X-Files" theme song blaring. She hugs REGIS as she takes her seat.)_   
  
Wow! I don't get hugs like that, even when I host "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"!   
  
ANITA_ (smiling cheerfully, completely ignorant of what she's saying)_: Well, Regis, it's just that I've never been qualified to do anything before because I'm such a loser who does nothing but sit in front of the TV all day!  
  
REGIS _(giving a slight shrug, wondering how the heck this woman got on the show)_: Well, that's, uh, just fine by me, Anita. Now, you say you have no job whatsoever?   
  
ANITA_ (still grinning like an idiot as she says enthusiastically)_: That's right, Regis!   
  
REGIS _(unsure of this contestent's IQ)_: Uh, okay. N-now, is that your boyfriend Lew Zerr in the Relative's Seat out in the audience?   
  
_(LEW ZERR waves at the camera)  
  
_ANITA: Yeah, that's him!   
  
REGIS _(half-joking)_: Does he have a job?   
  
_(AUDIENCE laughs at the joke)  
  
_ANITA: No! He watches TV all day long, too!   
  
REGIS _(really getting worried now)_: How did you meet?   
  
ANITA _ (completely serious)_: At a Star Trek convention!   
  
REGIS: Ummm . . . Let's get to the questions . . . You know about the life-lines: Phone-a-Friend, Fifty-Fifty, and Ask the Audience. _(ANITA nods) _ Then let's play "Who Wants to be a Skeptic on the X-Files?"!   
  
_("Millionaire" music is played, spotlights twirl, etc., until they meet at the center of the stage)_   
  
REGIS: Here is the scenario for the following questions: You have been assigned a partner of the opposite sex who is semi-good looking, but a little strange--   
  
ANITA: Is he as cute as Lew?   
  
_(AUDIENCE laughs)_   
  
REGIS: Uh . . . cuter, I think. Anyways, everyone considers him a little odd. In fact, his nickname is "Spooky." Interesting guy.   
  
_(AUDIENCE laughs)_   
  
Alright, for the special prize of an X-Files Bumper Sticker:   
  
1. Do you believe in extraterrestrials?  
a) Yes, absolutely, you bet  
b) Maybe  
c) Logically I would have to say no.  
d) Who cares?  
  
ANITA: Whoa, wait a sec. My prize is an X-Files bumper sticker? I don't even get money?   
  
REGIS: That's, umm, right, Anita. This is "Who Wants to be a Skeptic?" not "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" I believe your sticker says "The Truth is Out There."   
  
ANITA: But I already have one of those!   
  
REGIS: I'm sorry, Anita, but to get any further in the game, you have to answer the first question.   
  
ANITA: Oh, fine. Let's see . . . what would Scully say? Hmmm . . . I know for sure it wouldn't be (A) or (D). I think it's (C): "Logically I would have to say no."   
  
REGIS: Are you sure?   
  
ANITA: Absolutely.   
  
REGIS: Final answer?   
  
ANITA: Final answer.   
  
REGIS _(trying to hold the suspence)_: She says (C) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and she got it right!   
  
_(AUDIENCE applauds)_   
  
For A Fake ID Badge Like They Wear on the Show That You Can Use For a Halloween Costume:   
  
2. Do you believe in UFO's?  
a) Yes, and I've even got an implant at the base of my neck which will prove it.  
b) What are UFO's?  
c) There are many more plausible explanations such as insect swarms, airplanes, and the planet Venus.  
d) May I have a glass of water?   
  
ANITA : Will it get me past FBI security?   
  
REGIS: I'm afraid not. The badge is for entertainment and merchandising purposes only. However, you do need to answer the question to get any further.   
  
ANITA: _(whispering to herself)_: What would Scully say? _(she ponders for a moment, then)_:I think the answer is (C): "There are many more logical explanations such as insect swarms, airplanes, and the planet Venus."   
  
REGIS: Confident?   
  
ANITA: Confident.   
  
REGIS: Final answer?   
  
ANITA: Final answer.   
  
REGIS: And . . . (C) is the correct answer!!   
  
_(AUDIENCE applauds)_   
  
For A Cool X-Files Calendar With Lots of Pictures of Mulder and Scully for the year 1997:  
  
3. Your partner says something insane (again, that's the third time this hour). You:  
a) Shrug it off but make an appointment for him with a shrink later.  
b) Let him have it!! You are tired and you don't want to be in Chaney, Texas right now, you want to be at home in bed and anyway, everything is always all his fault.  
c) Report him to your superior.  
d) Pat him on the back and say "Good job, you broke your own record for stupid things said in an hour."   
  
ANITA: Your prizes stink.   
  
REGIS: Nevertheless, if you want to get to the grand prize --   
  
ANITA: I know, I know, I have to answer all the questions. It's (B): "Let him have it . . ."   
  
REGIS: Are you su--   
  
ANITA: Yes, I'm sure, and it's my final answer as well. REGIS (a bit surprised): Well . . . all right then. She says (B) . . . and you're correct!   
  
_(AUDIENCE applauds)_   
  
Going for An Autographed Picture of The LoneGunMen, even though this is an X-Files spinoff/crossover and they aren't even in the opening credits and are about to get a new show anyway:   
  
4. What is your opinion on computer nerds, also known as "hackers"?  
a) They will one day rule the world!  
b) They already rule the world!  
c) They could probably find out lots of useful, classified information.  
d) They are losers, they don't have lives, and besides that, they freak me out!!   
  
ANITA _(unsure)_: Hmmmm . . . I don't watch the Lone Gunmen episodes very much . . . Ummmm . . . are you sure I have to answer this?   
  
REGIS: Yes, I'm sorry, but you do.   
  
ANITA: Can I have a hint?   
  
REGIS: Well, what was that phrase you kept using earlier?   
  
ANITA_ (a light bulb turning on inside her head)_: Right! "What would Scully do?"! Let's see . . . I think it's (D): "They are losers, they don't have lives, and besides that, they freak me out!!"   
  
REGIS: She says (D) . . . and (D) is right!!   
  
_(AUDIENCE applauds)_   
  
Going for An Autographed Picture of Scully now, Anita. You nervous?   
  
ANITA _(smiling)_: A little! Scully's my favorite character.   
  
REGIS: Well, here's the question:   
  
5. Do you believe in serial killers who can stretch themselves out and survive for hundreds of years by eating human livers?  
a) That is absolutely ridiculous. Have you had a psych eval lately?  
b) Anything's possible.  
c) You're disgusting.  
d) Excuse me, would you mind if I went to the restroom?   
  
A bit of an oddball one.   
  
_(AUDIENCE chuckles)_   
  
ANITA: I remember those episodes! With that guy, oh, what was his name?! Oh, well, I know it's (A), for sure!   
  
REGIS: Are you sure you're sure?   
  
ANITA: Yes. REGIS: Are you sure you're sure you're sure?   
  
ANITA: **_JUST TELL ME WHETHER I GOT THE DARN QUESTION RIGHT OR NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WANT MY AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION (AND I SHOULD KNOW), DANA KATHERINE SCULLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
_**REGIS: Uh . . . all right. The answer is . . . (A)!Wow! You've gotten to the Autographed Picture of Scully mark!   
  
ANITA _(smiling as if nothing had happened)_: Yep.   
  
REGIS _(clearing his throat)_: For An Autographed Picture of Mulder:   
  
6. Your partner ditches you again. What do you do?  
a) Cry for hours on end because your feelings are so hurt.  
b) Patiently wait for him to come back -- he always does.  
c) Swear never to work with him ever again as long as you live.  
d) Use the time to go see that new movie with that hot actor David Duchovny.   
  
Now, Anita, what would Scully do?   
  
ANITA: She would say . . . (B): "Patiently wait for him to come back."   
  
REGIS: Final answer? ANITA: Final answer.   
  
REGIS_ (after a pause)_: She's right! You've got An Autographed Picture of Mulder!!   
_  
(AUDIENCE applauds)   
  
_For A Cheap X-Files T-Shirt That Says Something Stupid Like Trust No One on the front and Paranoia is Good on the back:   
  
7. Your partner is acting very strangely. What does this mean to you?  
a)Strangely? More strangely than usual? Have you met my partner? He's nuts. And that's on a good day.  
b) Oh no!! It's some sort of mutant with an extra layer of muscle under his skin so he can look like anyone else and he's impersonated my partner to romance me!! I must rescue my real partner from a basement somewhere!!  
c) Oh no!! Out in Area 51 last night my partner must have switched consciousnesses with an evil and sick minded Area 51 employee!! I must rescue him from a sick job and messed up spouse as soon as I can!!  
d) I really think I made a wrong turn somewhere. I thought this was "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"!   
  
ANITA: Hmmm . . . I think I'd like to Ask the Audience . . .   
  
REGIS: All right. Now, audience, on the electronic pads in front of you, please select the letter of what you think the correct answer is.   
  
_(AUDIENCE punch in their answers. A chart shows up on the tv screen, showing that letter (A) received the 99.99% of the vote.)_   
  
REGIS: Well, it looks like (A) got the majority.   
  
ANITA: Yeah . . . I think I'll go with the audience on this one. It's (A).   
  
REGIS: Are you absolutely, positively, supercalifragilisticexpealodociously sure?   
  
ANITA: Yes.   
  
REGIS: (A) is right!!   
  
_ (AUDIENCE applauds)_   
  
For A Cheap Burger King Disney Quality X-Files Watch:   
  
8. Do you trust the American government?  
a) No way!! Conspiracies are everywhere!! They are out to hide the Truth from the American public!!  
b) Sometimes.  
c) They're only here to help us.  
d) The American government overall or just the beaurocrats?   
  
ANITA: Ummm . . . I think it's (D). Even Scully has to be somewhat reasonable about the government.   
  
REGIS: Final answer?  
  
ANITA: Final answer.   
  
REGIS: She's right! Maybe we should all quit our jobs and watch TV all day!! Anita obviously knows her stuff!!   
  
ANITA_ (cheerfully, not sarcastically)_: Yeah, and I get a K-Mart quality watch!!!   
_(REGIS shushs her.)_   
  
_(AUDIENCE applauds)_   
  
REGIS: For The Novelization of The X-Files movie Fight the Future:   
  
9. You encounter someone who bleeds green, toxic blood. What do you do?  
a) Take it to the lab, have it analyzed, and discover that your suspicions were correct, it was just that nasty lime-flavored Kool-Aid stuff.  
b) Overreact, panic, and quarantine yourself for thirty days just to be on the safe side.  
c) Scream, "Look!! The truth!! It's here!! The proof of aliens I've dedicated my life to looking for!!"  
d) Is this show for real?  
  
ANITA: I have that already!   
  
REGIS: Yes, but --   
  
ANITA: I got it the first time!! I know I gotta answer all the questions!! Mmmmmm . . . I'd have to say (A), knowing Scully.  
  
REGIS (joking): Oh, so you know Scully personally?   
  
_(AUDIENCE laughs)_  
  
ANITA: Practically. I've seen every episode ever made and my house is covered in posters of her and I've got 5 different Scully desktops on my computer and my screen name is "Scullygirl" and my email address is danakatherinescullymulder@scullyemail.com and --   
  
REGIS: Yes, well, that's very, um, nice, what was your answer?   
  
ANITA: It's (A).   
  
REGIS: Final answ--   
  
ANITA: THAT IS MY FINAL ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
REGIS: You're right!   
  
_(AUDIENCE applauds)_   
  
Now, Anita, you're going for An X-Files poster in Japanese cause we're all out of the English ones. Speaking of useless stuff, what are you going to do with the, um, collector's items you win tonight?   
  
ANITA: Put it up all over my house whenever there's room with all my TV equipment.   
  
REGIS: All right. Here's the question:   
  
10. You see what appears to be a ghost. What do you do?  
a) Run screaming for your mommy.  
b) Assume it's a death omen and break down in tears.  
c) Deny that you ever saw anything; it was all in your head.  
d) Yell up at the ceiling, "Hey, Chris, looks like you did get that raise allowing for better special effects! Congrats!!"  
  
ANITA: I believe that would be (C).   
  
REGIS: Final-- Oh, wait: you don't like it when I say that.   
  
ANITA: Please . . . just tell me the answer.   
  
REGIS: . . . and you got it right!!   
  
_(AUDIENCE applauds)_   
  
For An Action Figure of Scully:   
  
11. Your partner says cows have been exsanguinated and he suspects vampirism. What do you do?  
a) Vehemently remind him that vampires do not exist.  
b) Ask why it's suddenly vampires -- usually aliens are the culprit.  
c) Remind him that you do not believe in vampires but say you'll tag along on the case and have a vacation while he questions suspects.  
d) How does this affect me?!   
  
ANITA: I think . . . I think I'd like to Phone-a-Friend. I really want another Scully action figure.   
  
REGIS_ (not sure he should be going here)_: A -- Another? How many do you have?   
  
ANITA: This one would make an even 2347.   
  
REGIS _(deciding he shouldn't have gone there)_: Um. All right. Who would you like to call?   
  
ANITA: I'd like to call my best friend in the world, Betty.   
  
REGIS: All right, we'll call your -- friend -- courtesy of our friends at AT&T   
  
_(a pause, then ringing)_   
  
Hello, is this Betty?   
  
BETTY: Yes?   
  
REGIS: Hello, Betty, it's Regis Philbin from "Who Wants to be a Skepti--"   
  
BETTY: IS THIS THE REGIS PHILBIN FROM TV?!!!!!!!!!   
  
REGIS _(not sure where exactly this is going)_: Uh, yes, as a ma--   
  
BETTY: WHY DO ALL THE PEOPLE I HATE CALL ME??!!! WHY DO YOU PEOPLE BOTHER ME????!!!!!!!!! WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE???!!!!!!!!!!   
  
_(a click is heard. REGIS is speechless; nobody's ever been this rude to him.)_   
  
ANITA _(genuinely embarrassed)_: Ummm . . . Look, I'm really sorry about this, Regis. My friend can get a little . . . arguable . . . sometimes. She, uh, is in a mental institution.   
  
REGIS _(still in shock)_: That's, uh, that's all right, Anita.   
ANITA: Well, since my best friend in the world was the only one I thought could help me, I guess I'll have to rough it. I'll go with (A): "Vehemently remind him that vampires don't exist."   
  
REGIS: And . . . you got it RIGHT!!   
  
_(AUDIENCE applauds)_   
  
For An Action Figure of Mulder:   
  
12. Your partner suggests a "vacation" for the two of you in Bermuda. Your first thought:  
a) Romantic island paradise here we come!! Hope my partner looks as good in a swimsuit as he does at the office!! I can't wait!!  
b) What's he playing at? I bet he hasn't had a vacation in 6 years. 'Sides, we've got too much work to do.  
c) Noooo!! Not Bermuda!! The origin of the Bermuda Triangle!! We'll crash!! We'll sink!! We'll die!!  
d) I guess if he asked me, that means he's coming too. Darn.   
  
ANITA: Well, if it was Lew who was saying that, I'd have to choose (A).   
  
_(AUDIENCE and REGIS chuckle)_   
  
But, since we're not talking about him, I'll have to go with (B).  
  
REGIS: Final answer?   
  
ANITA: Final answer.   
  
REGIS: You're right!! You got an action figure of Mulder!   
  
_(AUDIENCE applauds)_  
  
For The Soundtrack to the X-Files movie:   
  
13. You look at the calender and you see that today that it is Friday, October 13. Does this affect you?  
a) Omigosh!! The day of days!! I better take the day off and go search for all the strange things that are no doubt happening as I think about this!!  
b) Not at the time, but a week later I realize the reason for my bad hair day.  
c) Why should something like that affect me in any way?  
d) Yes, of course!! It's my sister's birthday!! Oh, crud, I forgot to get her a present again!!I need to hurry and go to the store now; catch y'all later!!   
  
ANITA: It's (C).   
  
REGIS: You're sure?   
  
ANITA: You bet.   
  
REGIS:Final answer?   
ANITA _(rolling her eyes)_: Final answer.   
  
REGIS: You're right!   
  
_(AUDIENCE applauds)_   
  
For A Video Cassette of The X-Files movie -- one question away from being a skeptic on the show!  
  
14. What is your opinion on people who smoke cigarettes, namely Morleys?  
a) They smell disgusting!  
b) They are nothing but pure evil and are involved in all possible conspiracies!  
c) They should not be allowed in restaurants!  
d) They're all going to die from beetle larvae hatching in their lungs!  
  
ANITA: Sheesh . . . this is a tough one . . . I think I'll use my Fifty-Fifty.   
  
REGIS: All right, if they answer people would please remove two of the wrong answers leaving the correct answer and the last wrong answer.   
  
_(the two remaining options are: (C) "They should not be allowed in resaurants!" and (A) "They smell disgusting!")_   
  
ANITA: Hmmm . . . I think I'll try (A).   
  
REGIS: Are you sure? If you don't get this right, you'll only have that X-Files poster.   
  
ANITA: I'm . . . sure.   
  
REGIS_ (dubious)_: All right. And the correct answer is . . . (A)!!   
  
_(AUDIENCE applauds)_   
  
And now for the MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION. Oh, wait. Wrong show. Sorry, sorry, I really am trying to kick the habit. And now for the, um, CHANCE TO BE A SKEPTIC ON THE SHOW FOR FIVE MINUTES OF ONE EPISODE AND NOT EVEN GET PAID FOR IT QUESTION!! Are you ready, Anita?   
  
ANITA: Ready.   
  
REGIS: If you win get to be the skeptic, you'll have to tape yourself being on TV or something.   
  
_(AUDIENCE laughs)_   
  
ANITA _(seriously)_: Maybe. Maybe I'd have Lew set it up so I could get more than one copy and distribute them . . .   
  
REGIS_ (ignoring her)_: And here it is:   
  
15. Your partner says something you agree with for once. What do you do?  
a) Nod.  
b) Say "Yeah, sure, whatever."  
c) Disagree on principle, because you should never encourage someone like that.  
d) Why am I here again?   
  
ANITA_ (visibly struggling)_: I'm tempted to walk away with it . . . but I'd hate to have missed it . . .   
  
REGIS: I think that poster will look great on your wall.  
  
ANITA: Yeah . . . Oh, what the heck. I'll go with (B): "Say Yeah, sure, whatever." I think she said that in one episode . . .  
  
REGIS: Final answer?   
  
ANITA: Final . . . answer. REGIS: And . . . I'm sorry, Anita, but you didn't get it right. The correct answer was (C): "Disagree on priciple, because you should never encourage someone like that." But, at least you won the poster and all that other crud, I mean stuff!   
  
_(ANITA and REGIS shake hands. LEW ZERR goes onto the stage and hugs ANITA. Suddenly, a horn is blown.)_   
  
REGIS: And that shows that we're out of time. Well, thanks for watching the one and only "Who Wants to Be a Skeptic on the X-Files?" See you next time!   
  
  
NOTE: This story is intended for humor purposes only; no offense intended to people who do watch TV all day or love all the prizes we had or anything. Crossover humor only; no infringement intended, etc., etc., etc., don't get mad or sue or anything; we only appreciate feedback if it's non violent.


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